November 27, 2013
My undignified conscience
My heart ached today. It was filled with resentment, anger, exasperation and deep-seated frustrations all combined that I feel like I just want to give up, walk away and never coming back.
Not the kind of feelings a mother should ever have under any circumstances.
Then, as I trolled away on Life to Her Years and as if on cue, I stumbled on this:
Original postings can be found here.
It wasn’t my intention to bastardise the original version, but it spoke to me as much as it speaks to the Dads out there.
The posting did me in.The lump in my throat wouldn’t go away. Walking out is a choice I’m not ever going to make as I have every intention to stay in her life – whether she likes it or not. My only worry is that I might just screw up and it will all be my fault because I let me get the better of me. And I can’t find someone else to blame.
I am reminded of what I once wrote in an open letter when Spud turned 3: that a child forgives easily; as when I thought that I have ruined it all, she’ll let me try again so I can be a better parent.
Reading that post from Life to her Years felt like a coincidental wake-up call, and, as grave as a slap on the face for my much undignified conscience. Yet, the words could not be more powerful and beautifully put together to super-charge a pent-up emotion.
To the author of Life to Her Years – thank YOU.
Girl, you’re doing your best!
Thank you, Deer. Trying, trying..like a toddler’s tantrum it was a phase. 🙂