My mood has been absolutely rubbish this week. Just in the trash bin rubbish. I’m blaming it on the full moon.
After all, didn’t they say that full moon tends to mess with you? Whoever they is, I’m incline to let the moon shoulder that blame. Because for whatever reason, I’m just feeling utterly crappy.
Actually it’s not for whatever reason. I know the reasons. They are compounding every day. Sure, I try to take everything in my stride. Sure, I’m not letting the littlest thing bother me. Sure, I said everything is alright and I’m coping. Sure nothing is perfect and I should count my blessing.
Blessings. With an “s”.
After all we have a roof over our heads, we have a car, we have jobs to go to, we have food on the table (partly because I cannot stop baking and/or cooking), we have mobile phones and we have wifi. We even have tulip fields not too far away from our backyard. We are all still able and healthy
Under the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, we have our very basic needs met. Checked.
Still there’s some parts of me that feels unsettled.
While trying to keep things in perspective that it is all not so bad, I am in fact about to fall apart. If not already. Perhaps it’s the exhaustion. With no extra pair of hands to help on domestic matters, this new life of ours is beginning to feel a little stifling.
My motivation is way down down down. It’s been a while since I feel all my energy being sapped by dull and negative vibes where I spend more than 8 hours of my time outside our home.
It’s that sinking feeling which lingers on… the inner whispers of needing to find something else but can’t because we need the money and I still cannot figure out what I else I could, should, wanna do. It’s that feeling of knowing that I have probably outgrown what I’m currently doing for my career work because I am so so very uninspired.
It’s all those little triggers signaling to me that knock down every little bit of confidence I have in humanity. Or myself. (We all are allowed to wallow every once in a while. I am only human.)
I hate that my emotions and frustrations have gotten the better of me. (I’m only human). Nothing seems right. (I’m only human). Or settled. (I’m only human). I am almost convinced that no one would hire me here. (I’m only human). It irks me that I’m feeling like this. (I’m only human)
It doesn’t help that with our current routine, the kids are acting up more than ever. Especially so for Spud whom we consider as a highly sensitive child. Her random outbursts of anger have been frequent and they get worse by the day. Perhaps, she is just telling us that she too, has had enough of all this crap.
Or perhaps she’s just feeding on my vibes. The stress, the rush, the lack of sleep and everything else in between…they all add up.
Still, I need to keep going.
To depend on no one else but myself. To stretch myself further than I ever could. To take on the hard knocks of life. To put on a smile and charge forward with a brave front. To pick myself up once again.
Like everything else, this, hopefully is just a phase. Karma would sooner or later make its round once again. The stars need to align. Because what doesn’t kill you could only make you stronger.
If the moon, a planet and a fluff of cloud could place themselves such that they align, then let that be a sign of only better things to come.
May we all wake up tomorrow on the right side of the bed. No longer moonstruck and a little less unstuck.