Last year, right about this time round, I was happy. I was barely 4 months into my new job, and despite the stress and the demands of what’s required of me, I was happy. Truly, genuinely happy. Out of this world contentment.

Little did I know that in a matter of months, my world would come crumbling down. The happiness and peace of mind I once knew evaporated into thin air. My soul destroyed into billion, trillion pieces. My sense of being completely torn apart.

It was a period of utter darkness and hopelessness. I experience a pain I never knew could existed. A pain which paralysed me and for the first time after such a long time, I was numb.  The essence of my being had been rudely taken away from me… the reality was hard to face. If  I could vouch,  the tears I shed could have easily helped more than a dozen dehydrated dying victims in need of water for their desert survival!

I stone-walled and became very desensitized; immersing myself in the only thing I knew how, to keep my sanity. More so I could function as a mother and at work; putting up a tough front because I should not and will not appear weak and vulnerable especially in front of my boss, clients and subordinates –  an irony considering that my work demands would probably push me to the edge. Instead, I thrived and I was more productive than I ever was at work. Unintentionally, I had pushed myself outside my comfort zone, both professionally and personally.

Months later, I’m still nursing my mangled soul. Looking back to where I have been and where I am at now, it was hard to imagine that despite all that darkness, I have learnt a lot about myself in ways I never thought I could. And like I had written in my last post of the year for 2014:  if I thought strength of character is always about how much I can handle before I break, I never realise that strength of character is also about how much one can handle after being broken. I shall always remember that.

And that piece of reminder came running back to me after reading a post on a blog I have stumbled on yesterday. What  she said about vulnerability and putting aside EVERYTHING to take a chance at something is absolutely valid. In fact, in my context, vulnerability is that strength of character on being able to handle set-backs after being broken.

But, bloody hell. What is it with this vulnerability thought pieces that I have, in fact, come across  for 4th time in a span of less than a week without me purposefully seeking for it! Hello?! What exactly is it that you are trying to tell me? Uhmm?

But, I digress.

She continued on with the following:

I’m of the opinion that because we live in a world where tragedies unfold everyday, we’ve all become desensitized to tragedy without realizing that we are also allowing ourselves to be desensitized to joy. We put up walls, unpenetrable perimeters to guard ourselves. We’re all about safety. We write our safety laws, rules and regulations upon them. DO NOT ENTER. Beware of the raving bitch. Do not look at the man behind the curtain.

That has been me since my world fell apart. I wanted my safety back. I put up a gargantuan, impenetrable wall bigger than the Great Wall of China and guess what? I haven’t quite found back my inner joy.

And this lady… this amazing lady called Stephanie, as I read more of her posts, I realised that she has probably been to hell and back and probably a 100x over than I have ever been in my life. Yet, she has allowed herself to be completely vulnerable to savour moments that matter, and taking things in her stride.

I take heed that no matter how bad a place I am at, there are always someone else who had it far worse than me. And they survived. They triumphed at life all because they allowed themselves to.

And that is something I’m working towards…because the alternative isn’t pretty. It has been a long, hard road and it will not be easy, but Stephieopolis  has nudged me further to accept vulnerability. It serves as a good reminder to me that I should always move forward, and only look back to see how far I have come.

Hey! I could (literally) be kicking asses!

And today, this very day, I’m really wanting to see myself, as she puts it, on the flip side.

 

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