Grubbs n Critters

June 21, 2012

21 Days

Today is one of those days when I feel like a zombie personified.

Although I have pretty much been “sitting around just breastfeeding” all day, round the clock with no immediate obligation to cook or clean or pulling my weight around the house, I’m feeling absofuckinlutesupremely exhausted.

At this point, my state of well-being has been severely compromised after enduring 3 weeks of broken sleep and 3 consecutive days of being woken up almost hourly for a night feed and tending to Squirt who is showing no signs of sleeping through more than 2 hours at night. On top of that, Squirt has also been fussing quite a bit in the last few days, and could not settle as easily.

I think the hospital messed up – did they not get my instructions that they ought to be giving me (a) a less cranky baby and( b) one that sleeps 4-5 straight hours at night (c)one who does not need the boobs every half hour?

Times like this, I feel like throwing in the towel. Unfortunately, THAT, we know is not an option. I signed up for this (what was I thinking?!)and, crap! It is not like I can return the baby back to the sender!

My saving grace at this point is the fact that my parents are currently in town, and I am thankful for that extra pair of hands around the house.

SquirtNyai — Squirt and Nya-yi (Grandma)

On top of that, my ever-patient mom has been a great help to have around. Not only she has a knack for calming down babies and take over from me before I go bonkers, we also get to eat freshly made, yummy home-cooked food.

So yes, our household has been a little bit more than crazy these days with not only Squirt’s erratic feeding and sleeping schedule, but with Spud’s earth-shattering wails and temper tantrums almost throughout the day as well.

We’ve got to remind ourselves that “This too, shall soon pass.” (I’m covering my ears now going la…la…la…la..la)

Somehow, that seems to be the mantra we live by these days…5 bloody “magic” words to get us by. (I’m really looking forward to the day when we can look back and laugh about this)

Now, darling Squirt, can you please, please, please be kind tonight and sleep at least 3-4 hours at a stretch so your parents can at least have some decent shut-eye.

Jealousy & Rejection

Category: Baby Milestones

There has been a sense of jealousy looming in our household of late…something which we have come to expect from our dear Spud sooner or later.

The strange thing is though; it is not a full-blown jealousy. It is none of that pushing Squirt away or trying to hurt him in any way. In fact, despite being apprehensive about Squirt initially, Spud has been somewhat welcoming towards Squirt. She is always asking for “Baby Brother”, willing to help me fetch stuff pertaining to her baby brother when I ask her to, and most of all, always willing to give him kisses and hugs.

Where the jealousy lies, I think, is likely to be the fact that she sees how much Squirt is being held by me, mostly because Squirt’s pretty much stapled to my boobs throughout the day. While she does not seem to mind it very much when it comes to me handling Squirt, it is a different story all together when she sees Silver Bullet or even our Nanny holding Spud.

It’s like we pushed her button, and immediately she would start her theatrics. She would almost instantaneously get all wound-up, starts to whine-wail, and persisting to be carried all the time. And for some reason, she would turn into this sudden clutz – falling down or trips over something, or hit herself on the table or whatever it is that she does – and then suddenly those “accidents” give her a legitimate reason to cry her guts out for what seems like hours on end. Suddenly, everything else is wrong by her decree and nothing, and I really mean NOTHING can calm her down as she goes on a wailing temper tantrum rampage.

I almost hate it when she has one of those “accidents” , as not only it will bring about a prolonged bout of high octave wails, but it bums me that Spud prefers to run to her Papa all of the time, even though I am the nearest adult to her when it happens. These days since I have been home and when Silver Bullet is not around, she literally runs to her Nanny when she wants to seek for comfort.

The thing with Spud is, the softer you go in trying to console her, the louder and more defiant she gets. And it could take us up to 2 hours just to get her to calm down – something which I obviously do not have the patience for. And, we have learnt the hard way that with Spud, you just cannot give in. You have to be calm and firm, and no giving in to her whims.

As it stands, Spud has single-handedly ranked me as the least favourite adult in the household; and this is especially hard to swallow since the rejection episodes she pulled on me not too long ago.

Granted, with us both being working parents, and apart from the fact that I don’t usually give in to her when she throws her temper tantrums, we both spend an almost equal amount of time with Spud.

Now, more than ever, we both consciously focus our attention on Spud whenever Squirt is around.

Plus, we also tend to google more on problems pertaining to issues with Spud rather than being concern about a newborn in the family!

I don’t know what it is with Spud, but I really do dislike the fact that the recovery process from the C-Section makes me feel even more useless. It makes me feel bad enough that I can’t carry her for at least another 1-2 months (and I haven’t been carrying her since I was 38 weeks pregnant) and it sucks even more that I apparently can’t even be the one to console her when things gets a little rough for her.

I love Spud with all my heart, and I can’t lie when I say that it hurts when she starts wailing , “nanny, nanny, nanny. Mama no. Mama no. Nanny carry” when she gets into one of those inconsolable wailing bouts.

They all say it is a phase, and by God! I truly hope it is as I have no other sources of intelligence to help me rectify the issues apart from riding it out.

It has been quite emotionally and mentally draining, and while I did not have any post-partum depression this time round, I reckon Spud will be capable enough to make me commit myself to a mental institution or seek psychiatric help if she carries on like this.

I guess it is true when they say that parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of and I am very aware that you just cannot quit on your child. That being said, I realize more than ever that I have a lot of disciplining to do; mainly disciplining myself first to not get upset about it, and respond rather than react to her temper tantrums – if that make sense at all.

I’m still learning the art of parenting, and I can only hope that things get better. I’m sure I am not the only one dealing with a child who happens to have some “issues”.

How and when to discipline

Category: Being Parents

Since writing the post on “Disciplining other people’s kids”,I have been quite curious on what is the general take on this, and so, I began trawling the internet for the “word out there”.

It does not surprise me that with most topics like crying it out vs no crying or feeding on demand or baby-led feeding, this topic too, has two distinct camp. One article, an opinion piece by a certain developmental psychologist, even stated the following, “Two basic rules to live by when it comes to other people’s kids: Never tell another parent how she should raise her child, and never discipline a child who’s not your own. Parents have their own way of addressing their child’s behavior, and though you may wish wholeheartedly that the other parent would rein in her child more firmly, it’s not your call” (Source: Babycentre.com)

Do I agree with that? Well, to a certain extent – for I don’t think it is my place to tell anyone how they should raise their child. However, as I mentioned before, if the need arises, I have no problems letting the kid know that they have crossed the line.

I then stumbled upon another blog post from a parent on how he would handle it and I found myself agreeing whole-heartedly with his techniques. Given his flawless writing and the fact that I I would actually emulate the same technique as he described, I have shamelessly do a cut and paste a portion of his post below:

Strike One. You just saw some kid attack your child – or maybe your kid came to you crying and saying something happened, but you’re not 100% sure what really went down. OK, fine. Comfort your kid and tell him that the offending behavior is wrong. Leave it at that. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, because everyone’s kids misbehave sometimes. But from that moment on, watch the other kid closely.

Strike Two. Now you know exactly what happened, because you had your eye on the bad kid, and you saw him do it. Now, your focus shifts to his caregiver. Make sure she or he knows what’s going on without confronting them directly. Again, give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn’t see it happen and they just need your cue to step in and discipline the kid.

Here’s what you do: comfort your kid again, but do it louder. First, validate your own kid: “Yes, he pushed you. I saw it. That was not acceptable.” Make sure the bad kid and his guardian hear you. Give the guardian a chance discipline her kid, and if she’s any kind of parent, she’ll be embarrassed and she’ll apologize profusely.

Now you’re watching the kid and the guardian very closely.

Strike Three. By now, either the guardian has reprimanded the kid appropriately or he hasn’t. But the kid did it again. This is where you address the kid directly. Act as if he were your child. Be firm, but don’t shout. “Don’t hit! Do you understand? Say you’re sorry.” The kid will probably be shocked, because no one’s ever talked to him that way before. You may even make him cry. (Good! That’s a sign that he never hears “no”, and you got to be the one to introduce him. Bravo.)

At this point, don’t make any excuses for the other parent. Maybe they weren’t paying attention and missed the behavior yet again. Well, too bad. They know there’s an issue, so they should be watching their kid closely. If they’re not, you have every right to handle the situation yourself.

Strike Four. Tell the other parent to leave. Their kid is out of control and needs to be removed from the situation. If you’re at a place of business like an indoor playroom, speak to the manager.

If the other parent refuses to leave and the manager does nothing, then you leave. Tell your children clearly, “I’m sorry we have to go. You haven’t done anything wrong, but that other kid is out of control, and I don’t want you around him.” Don’t wait for a strike five.

I know in baseball, you only get three strikes, but what can I say? I’m nice.

Does that sound harsh? It shouldn’t, because here’s how I think you should handle it if your kid is the aggressor:

Strike One. Let’s say that you didn’t witness the action first-hand, but your kid is standing over some other kid who’s crying and all evidence suggests your kid just did something bad. Ask your kid what happened, and whether they confess or not, remind them, without directly accusing them, “It’s not OK to hit or push.” Then, keep your eye on your kid.

Strike Two. Now you know what your kid is up to, because you were watching your kid closely. It’s your job to take control of the situation. Pull your kid away. Tell him you saw what he did, and it was wrong. Make him apologize to the other kid. Then, apologize to the other parent yourself. Don’t make excuses, don’t assure them that your kid never does that sort of thing. Everybody’s kid does bad things sometimes. Your actions at this point will do a lot more to vouch for your parenting than your excuses.

Strike Three. Repeat step two, but more firmly. Remove your kid from the area for a serious talk. If he seems contrite, let him know he only has one more chance. If he can’t behave himself, you’re going to leave. (If your kid is uncooperative, don’t even give him another chance. Just leave. You know when your kid is out of control, so react appropriately.)

Strike Four. Leave. Make sure you apologize to the other parent(s) on the way out. Let your child know that he’s behaving inappropriately and that’s why you have to go.

His original piece can be found here.Certainly worth a read, in my opinion. (And I do think he has a really cool blog content)

Granted, kids misbehave and as parents, I believe it is our duty to tell them (or chide when necessary) on what is an acceptable behaviour and what is not.This should also transcend beyond the “face saving ethics” so widely practiced within the Asian culture. Disciplining should not be about the grace of “saving face” (i.e. because if you do so, you will embarass me), rather it should be about a specific behaviour that needs to be corrected to minimize the risk of being a nuisance to the society at large.

After all, (most of the time) our kids are the by-product of our values and upbringing, don’t they?