Mummy-guilt sets in when I came home to this last week:
That little drawing tugged at my heart-strings. Big time!
My 5 year old daughter left the drawing at the dining table and I had not notice it until Silver Bullet told me about me when I got home a little after 11 p.m. He then elaborated that she was quick to ask where I was when she realised that her Papa had come home without me. And, when she was told that I was still at work, Spud was quite visibly disappointed.
She had prepared a little surprise for me because for 5 days in a row, I have been working late. I haven’t seen my kids in the evening before they go to bed. She’s been thinking of me. She misses me. My heart melted. A heart full of guilt.
The next morning, Spud was very quick to tell me of her little gift when I got out of bed. Although surprised when told that I had seen the pretty picture she drew, she was pleased that I had seen it. She then continued describing what she drew and how she used blue for my necklace. She thought (in her words), I’ll look pretty in it while declaring that she is aware that I do not have any necklaces in blue. It’s blue because, according to her, blue is a pretty colour for me.
A “sapphire” necklace on my neck, a crown with flowers on my head and swanky-looking heels…and, in her drawing, I have webbed hands, with a big smile on my face. She got the eye-bags in, too. I melted just at the sheer gesture of love and thoughtfulness. I did not have the heart to tell her that I’ll have to work late again that night (and for many more weeks to come…)
It’s time like this that I feel I’m failing as a mom. My mummy-guilt is huge, and really, I just wish that I do not have to work so late so often. But my crazy line of work does not leave me with much choice; long hours has always been the norm. It’s hard to explain, but that’s the way it just is.
Sometimes, it just sucks and we just have to suck it up. It a tough one to have to explain to a child, and when I did, Spud’s honest enough to tell me that she’s a little upset I’m not with her. Then she added, “It’s OK, Mama. I understand. I think of you a lot when you are not home. Can you please try to come home early?It’s important.”
Yes, my child. I know it is important. God knows I’m trying, and I’m trying every day. Trust me, it’s not like I enjoy the late nights in the office. I am so, so, so very sorry. 🙁