It dawned on me recently that my world has shrunk. Considerably. 

There is no office or a desk to go to. There are no colleagues to physically converse with, even if it is an inane, useless conversation that does not add any more value to my day. There is no stimulation from like-minded expat moms. There is practically no interaction with the outside world apart from being virtually connected.

Simply put  the world that I once knew no longer exists.

These days, my universe spans about 1.5 km radius from our home. I don’t venture much beyond our backyard – I don’t have a bike (yet) and I cannot drive. Plus there really isn’t much around in the vicinity.

On the days that I have to put in an 8 hour day, I work from home. I send emails and do my con-calls from the comfort of the couch or the dining table – location varies and dependent on my mood.

Sometimes, I walk to the backyard just because.

On the days when I don’t work and the kids are home, I perfected my juggling act between having to do the laundry, cleaning, cooking, entertaining the kids, keeping the peace and keep watch on them whenever they play outside (like for most of the time).

Some days,  I got bored with having to freeze my ass standing in front of the door intermittently while trying to spot those darn kids when they play outside and I vary the routine. I do this by taking them to a supermarket that’s slightly further away. All in the name of going for a leisurely walk for their benefit in disguise for mine.

That would inevitably result in one of the kids complaining that they do not want to go out for a walk at all. They don’t need it. They’d rather play outside. Then it would be another hour before we all get our asses out of the door because one of them decides to throw a fit.

Despite the delay, we would still go – all in the name of a leisurely walk so that their mother will not go insane being cooped up at home. Sometimes, I scrap the plan altogether because I got exhausted trying to convince them that they (me) needed to go out for a walk.

Other times, we bake. I need to keep them busy. Rather, I need to keep me busy since they will not allow me to nap on the couch. We’ve made enough muffins, cakes and cookies to last us a few months and stock up on fats for the winter. 

Then I walk to the backyard just because.

On some days, we do all of the above: playing outside, going to the farther out supermarket AND bake! Then we hang about in the backyard. Sometimes I put out fires from sibling rivalry, most times managing crises, shuttling from kid to kid while making sure that the little critters know they are very important beings in my life. I do this because I’m trying to be a good mom. I want to be present. 

That’s my world now. A different world, a different chaos but predictable. Kind of nice.

It’s a far cry from the world of chaos that I knew… where my remit covers putting out external fires, managing adult crises and shuttling from meetings after meeting to get sucked in with the standing joke of needing to look important or pander to others such that they could feel important. That world spanned more than just 1.5 km radius and very unpredictable. Kind of nice. And exciting.

My world has shrunk from the years of expansive freedom on a career ladder to a conflict of inner turmoil packed in a vacuum. Suddenly I feel clueless…a stranger in another foreign land…a speck of dust. An invisible footprint.

People ask me how I’m coping and how I’m liking the change. The truth is I’m still trying to wrap my head around this.  My days are busy; in fact, I’ve never been busier as compared to when I had a 5-day week, full-time day job. These days, I can hardly think. Still, I try my best. I make do with what I have to keep me busy and trying to be a great mom to my kids (without the yelling).

Once the kids are asleep, my nights are filled with chore that was left halfway during the day, looking for jobs and filling up job applications, and at the same time customising cover letters and CVs for the jobs applied then giving myself some room to take a deep breath by turning my attention to blogging and attempting to start on an online course which I have registered for.

It’s good for my mental health.

And each day I’m learning something new as I  face the harsh reality of rejections after rejections. They piled up but I choose to think that each and every rejection is a sign that something better is coming along. Isn’t there a saying that goes “When every door closes, another opens”?

Oh! The chaos in my head. I’m almost laughing at myself to find that equilibrium of the world that I’m in and the world that I’ve always known. The chorus of  “The World I Know” by Collective Soul comes to mind.

Actually, the entire song has been playing at the back of my mind ever so silently, on repeat mode since I started writing this post. While the video has a depiction of being suicidal (No, I swear I am NOT. Far from it! I’ve got 2 kids), the ending will make you smile…there’s enlightenment to be found:

 

Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all the kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don’t know why

Are we listening
Hymns of offering?
Have we eyes to see
That love is gathering?
All the words that I’ve been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one, into one

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down
‘Cause it’s the world I know
Oh it’s the world I know

I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don’t know why, don’t know why

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down
‘Cause it’s the world I know
Oh it’s the world I know

If you have gotten this far, tell me what’s your world like? What’s the world that you have come to know?